Father Sez

We have five children, a boy and four girls. The boy, at number 3 is sandwiched between his two elder and two younger sisters. Since his birth, my wife has given him the title of Tuan Muda of our household, which in our language means Young Master.

He is now 14 years of age. Isn’t it time he started becoming a Gentleman? I read up and asked around for some advice on what I could do to help instill in him this very important skill.

I have read that boys imitate and emulate their fathers.

Boys want to grow up to be like their fathers. “The human brain is wired for imitation. Every boy loves his father and wants to be able to do what he does, both to honor him, to earn his praise, and to compete with him. . .

Men are extremely important in giving boys messages about being a man,” notes Geoffry Canada, President of the Harlem Children’s Zone. “Boys want to grow up to be like their male role models. And boys who grow up in homes with absent fathers search the hardest to figure out what it means to be male.”

It appears clear that I would be the first role model my son would be looking up to.

I searched within myself and did an inventory of whether I was being a good, or rather not bad, role model to my son. Though I am no Theodore Roosevelt, I do believe that I have not done any serious damage in this area.

Being a good role model is the foundation for preparing my son to be a man.

And here are five things that I can and want to do to be the role model my son needs as well as to bond better with him.  

1. I have to spend more time with my son.

I have to tweak my time management a bit. Though I take pride in being an organized guy, it is clear to me that I am not scheduling my priorities as well as I should. My weekly calendar has no specific provision for activities with my son. I’ll have to work on this.

It’s not going to be a case of finding or creating more time, rather I have to focus on how I can do some of my planned activities for the day together with my son.

For example, recently I took our son along when my wife and I went to the Land Office to collect a title deed for one of our properties. On the way back, we talked about title deeds (I was a little surprised, but it seemed that it was the first time he had seen a title deed) in general and I explained to him how our land title system worked. (This chore is something I would have done on my own. I am happy that my son agreed to join me.)

My son helped me draw a map showing the way to the farm we are setting up, a distance of about 90 kilometres. I drove, while he marked down the key landmarks and distances etc. This map has been distributed to the guests we are inviting for the opening of the farm.

2. I must take him out more often

By this I mean not only taking him out for outings like picnics or vacations. I also mean bringing my son along for my chores and duties as a husband, father, and friend in order to show him how a responsible and dependable man behaves.

Examples could be visiting a recently bereaved family friend or relative, going to the bank to sort out some issues etc.This approach is based on advice given by a friend. He remembers that his father took him out often and he learned a lot about manly duties and responsibilities watching his father during these times.

My son has often joined me when I visit the goat farm and the rubber smallholding. I hope that as the goat farm develops further he would agree to shoulder some of the small responsibilities.

3. Treat and respect him as an adult and reason with him rather than adopting the “I said so!” approach

I already do this and I believe that my son appreciates it. Having conversations with him at a reasonably adult level will help strengthen his confidence and make him more open with me.

4. Make him read motivational and inspirational books

Here my wife and I are lucky enough to have found a system. My sons (and his two younger sisters) have to write a couple of pages from a book on Saturday and Sunday. They then read out to me what they have written. Our intention is for the children to have a better grasp of English.

By making my son write and read pages from a motivational / inspirational book, like Anthony Robbins’ “Notes to my Son” and Sean Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens,” I am hoping some of the ideas and good advice will seep into him.

5. Learning some life skills jointly with him

This is an interesting thought that has just come to my mind. Maybe I should sit with him when he is in a talkative mood and try to find out if he is interested in picking up some skills. It is possible that he may say no. I just have to work on this.

This blog was started so that my kids could learn on managing their personal finance and some other aspects of life from the mistakes I have made. While he is not an active follower of my blog, I am sure he will read those articles written specifically with him in mind.

My son is now entering a stage in his life that can be classified as a little tricky for parents and young teens alike. This is the called the “My Mommy has no clue” stage. I did not do enough to strengthen my relationship with my son when he was at the much more malleable of “My Mommy knows everything” and “My Mommy knows most things” stage.

Nevertheless, I believe I still have a chance to make amends and make him a better man than I am. 

Photo Credit: Bendis

What does an aircraft carrier got to do with personal finance?

For me, everything. Hear me out, please.

Habits are built up by repeatedly doing something over a period of time. The more often we do something, the stronger the habit becomes. Until it become second nature.

Same with personal finance.

The more often we are careful, the more often we are careless, the more often we spend wisely, the more often we spend unwisely, thus shall our habits be. We become a creature of habit of good personal finance or a creature of habit of bad personal finance.

The good thing is that habits, since they are made, can be unmade.  Subject to the general rule that stronger the habit the more difficult it would be for it to be broken and new habits formed in its place. (The exception is the switch.)

Some people, (like me, for instance) have operated for years without budgets and without clear and SMART goals for savings / investments etc. Somehow we have survived. Once it dawns upon us that this is not the right thing to do, we then work on correcting and changing our behaviour and habits. Try to put a stop to current practices and change direction.

And this can be compared with an aircraft carrier traveling at full speed and the captain then deciding to make a “U” turn or a left or right turn.

Well, the aircraft carrier does not stop on a dime. I have no idea how long it would continue traveling before the instructions to change direction actually start showing results. I would suspect that the lumbering giant would go on chugging away for quite a distance, though the slowing effect would be felt not too long after.

(If you want some laughs, you can read how Yahoo answers this tricky question.)

My family and I have only recently started to instill better personal financial management practices. Like most current day people, I have been expecting immediate results  and have not found any that I can trumpet about today. 

Then I remembered the story of the aircraft carrier and its turning circle.

Now I feel better.

Our family’s financial aircraft carrier which has been moving happily into the wrong direction for years and years is now beginning to make its “U” turn. This turning circle may take a while.

I am now happy that the right instructions have been given to our family’s aircraft carrier of personal finance and am confident that, God Willing, it is now moving along the right course. 

Now I hope you see the connection between aircraft carriers and personal finance.

To those of us who have made consious efforts to change and have not felt the results yet, take heed of this parable.

Stay stout in your resolve and by God, the ship will turn!

The purpose of communication has been defined as getting our message to others clearly and unambiguously.

I am not an expert, though, like a great many of us, I have been communicating for a considerable number of years . The experts talk about various processes in communications and how all the barriers should be removed so that the purpose of the communication is achieved.

A very important chain in this link is the “preparedness of the receiver of your communication”.  This is something that we never know for sure. The feedback we receive is a a good indicator of how our communication was received and understood.

How do we better our chances at getting our communication better received and understood?

What about “indirect communications”?

The U of San Francisco talks about indirect communications. My idea of IC is actually more like “lobbying”.  Wikipedia’s definition of lobbying refers to this as all attempts to influence legislators, organised groups etc.

I am talking about the same principle here. The message that we want communicated is sent indirectly through another channel to the intended recipient. The recipient being more receptive of this “new channel” receives the message in a more willing and open manner, gives good feedback and the purpose of the communication is more effectively achieved.

We do this all the time, don’t we?

For example, I pride myself that I have great communications with my wife. We tell each other almost everything about our lives. However, there are somethings that I can convey much more efficiently by telling some of her close confidants to tell her. People like Ungga or her uncle, Che Lek for example.

This is no indication of failure to communicate between me and my wife. My wife is a people person while I am a number person. My idea of great communication is direct to the point. This fails in a number of situations. Ungga and Che Lek on the other hand are also people people, so they know how to convey the same message in a much better manner.

Now you may ask, how did I manage to convey my message to Ungga and Che Lek in the first place. I don’t really know. I can only suspect that this has something to do with the relationship between the receiver and the sender.

This blog is another example. The primary objective of this blog is for me to communicate to my children, especially the two senior girls, the life and pf mistakes I have made and ideas on how these could have been done better. So that my children do not repeat my mistakes.

By using blog posts the need to have both of us mentally and physically prepared at the same time is removed. My girls can read the posts alone or with their friends and whenever they want. 

I think the messages are better delivered this way.

What about you? How often, if at all, do you use indirect communications?