Father Sez

This post is inspired by an article I read many years ago. I think it was in Readers Digest, but I am not sure. I am trying to remember as much of it as I can. 

This is not a psychological thesis, so please do not treat it as such. Children go through 5 phases as they grow up to become adults. Let’s begin. 

“My mommy knows everything” stage  

I am sure all parents will remember this stage with some nostalgia. The children who fall into this stage are those from the time they are born to about 6/7 years of age. 

What ever Mommy says is followed and accepted without question. Brush your teeth, go to sleep at 8.30 pm, do not play in the rain, etc. There may be some resistance, but it is negligible and usually, Mommy gets what she wants. In the event of any trouble, the kids can always be easily bribed.  

Mommy could also be depended upon to resolve any issue. How to heal a sick cat and or even to take on the 6’ 7”, 300 pounds ex-boxer father of Harry, who had said or done something nasty etc. 

All arguments between kids would have the mandatory, “My Mommy said so!”.  

“My Mommy knows most things” stage 

The kids are a little older now. Maybe between 8 to about 12/13 years. Other influences have now come into their lives. The older, “cooler” kids in school, their internet chat companions, etc. Mommy’s influence is still formidable, but now there are avenues to seek “second opinions”.

This is the time when the kids shy away a bit from being kissed by their mommies in school. 

Being called Mommy’s boy or girl in school would be an unmitigated disaster. 

“My Mommy does not have a clue” stage 

This is the stage most dreaded and feared by parents….the teens to late teens stage. The children are now aged maybe between 12/13 to about 20 years or so.  

They have their own minds, their own sources of information like the internet and their peer groups in school are now entrenched. Not quite adults and not quite children, they are sandwiched. There is a feeling of wanting to rebel and try out adult things, but are somewhat restrained by ties such as monetary support, place to stay, etc. 

Boys go through the girls stage and girls go through the boys stage.  

Money is expected from parents and not much thought is given to the hardships the parents may have to go through to earn it. Conversations with Mommy would be monosyllabic whilst phone bills on their conversations with friends would be astronomical.  

This stage is very crucial and may define some make or break situations like running away from home, eloping with their “loved ones”, etc.

Generally a stressful period for Mommy as well as the children.  

“Maybe I should ask my Mommy” stage

Here some stability is setting in. Also some acceptance of the real facts of life. Facts like we need money to survive, and that we have to work to get money and getting money by some “easier” means may result in punishment from Authorities etc. 

This would be the stage straddling college, graduation, first jobs and maybe serious relationships with the opposite sex and marriage. The children would now be in the early to perhaps mid /late 20’s. 

There may still be some anger over some perceived “ill or grossly unfair treatment” during the earlier stage of their lives, i.e. the “Mommy had no clue stage”.

Slowly they see two sides of the situation and some understanding of their Mommy’s way of thinking dawns. 

“I wish my Mommy was here, she’ll know what to do” stage 

Most probably our children now have children of their own. The antics of their kids make them nostalgic of their own past and there is a lot more appreciation for Mommy.

The child has now completed the circle and become an adult.  

How does this help us in giving our kids financial education?  

It appears to me that the best time to start teaching our children on pf or life would be during the 1^st two stages, i.e. “Mommy knows best and Mommy knows most things” stages.  

During these stages, the kid’s minds will be most receptive. The lessons learnt, even if discarded during the next “Mommy not having a clue” stage, will remain in their minds. Ready to be awakened during the “maybe I should ask my Mommy” stage. 

Unfortunately these 1^st two stages coincide with the time when the parents are inexperienced, may have to work extra hours to cope with the extra expenses of the kids and “quality” time with the kids are not as much as it should be.  

This is perhaps, where we, as parents lose out. 

We then try to catch up during the “Mommy does not have a clue” phase, and the stage is set for countless arguments, slamming of doors and sulks. 

And all Mommy can do is to wonder, what have I done. 

Naturally, they’ll be exceptions to the rules above. From hyperactive children to those who read “War and Peace” when they are only 4 years old.

This post is just meant to show a different slant to the issue of parenting and the teaching of good family and life values to our children.  

And I do think it makes sense.

As many other aspiring billionaires, I have read and been fascinated by the many books that espouse theories on making money on properties. 

However my wife and I have never really tried “property investing”.  

A good family friend, Kalai, has tried and made money. He has been a “fixer upper” and made decent money on 2 properties. He has bought and sold properties. He has been a property agent and sold a number of properties. He has also a dud on his hands now. His stories have always fascinated me.  

I accept that property is a major asset class and learning about investing in them can only be a plus in our journey to financial freedom. 

So when a local financial and property “guru”, Milan Doshi, announced his upcoming class, I was interested got up my daughter and nephew to sign up. 

The course promises a number of things, related to improving our financial IQ and learning about RE investment. 

Of course, neither my wife nor I expect our daughter (the second, the first is studying in Wales) to return from the course with Donald Trump’s skills.

What then do we expect? 

a)    My nephew and daughter will get to understand at least some of the nitty gritty and be given an introduction to the world of RE investing and the related matters, like tenant issues, types of property, pitfalls to look out for, financing, calculating returns etc. 

b)    My nephew and daughter will get to meet other course participants who should have the same interests and maybe, form a peer group with some of them. (See this great article on the advantages of peer groups). 

Besides, my daughters forming a peer group is one of my goals for 2008.  

c)     My daughter is close to my nephew and there is no reason why they should not form a 2 member peer group to start off with. 

d)    My nephew is a very sensible young man and I am sure his presence at the course and as my daughter’s peer group member will be of great help to her. 

e)    My daughter is not out of University yet, but my nephew has been working for a few years now. He works with our country’s Central Bank, and thus has his fair share of friends in the banking industry. This should be a plus for them.

f)      I have read Milan’s books and I think he gives a fair representation of the industry. It is not “just buy property and become rich”. It is also about gain knowledge, study your property carefully and buy. And that making mistakes in RE investment can be a long painful affair to unravel.

I believe that my nephew and daughter will get a balanced view of the positives and negatives of RE investing. 

Ultimately, we hope that my nephew and daughter will learn from this course and be more enlightened about the specifics of RE investment.

We hope that they will look up and study a lot more on RE. And we hope they’ll consider RE investment as one of their vehicles in their journey for financial independence. 

Kalai has also talked to my daughter about his experiences, relating both his good and bad ones. He dwelled upon the need to carefully study the property and suggested that she should start with something “small and manageable.” 

I am bristling with so called ideas on what my nephew and daughter should do. I have to and must restrain myself. This is their journey.  

Maybe I should just ask for their idea of a 5 year plan on their RE investments.  

The power of peer groups to exert influence, both good and bad, on its members has been well documented.  

In one of my earlier posts, I have rated the two most important personal finance lessons I have learnt being:- 

a)    Paying myself first, or Living within my means and 

b)    Forming a peer group with personal finance as an agenda item. 

I have also posted that (b) would be the most important PF lesson I could give my 2 elder girls now.  But, exactly how do they go about forming a peer group?  None of their friends in college are interested in this “oh! so boring” subject.  

Man! I lost almost 15 years of compounding benefits, bumming around and burning off almost all my earnings. Only after my family and financial responsibilities got heavier, did I consciously start thinking about sorting my finances out.  

And as a responsible parent, I have to try my best to make sure that my children do not make the same mistakes I did.  So I have to find a way. A way, which will get my children start thinking and working on bettering their financial position from day one. A way, my children will be comfortable with.  

I believe that advise from the parent may not work. It has to come from people with whom my children are comfortable with and who have the same likes, dislikes and problems, real or perceived.  

I have tried asking them to form their own peer group. This has not worked. 

I have now given them a list of 5 personal finance and personal development blogs, and have asked them to read and start commenting on these blogs.  

I have proposed a fee for every comment of theirs which is accepted by the blogger. My children have to email me the URLs so that I can keep abreast of their comments. 

I have been an avid follower of PF blogs for about 3 months now. The impact on me has been powerful. I have made many changes and adjustments to my financial and personal life, some small, others major.

In fact, I almost feel that I participate in direct discussions with some of these bloggers and have actually formed mental images of some of these people. 

If the blogs have this effect on me, they just might have the same effect on my children.  If they try out this method, they may actually get to like it and start participating, not because they can earn some money from me, but rather because they can and want to learn something. 

Then, by golly, they would have their peer group! 

And if they don’t like the pf blogs, then back to the drawing board shall we go.  

Yoga is already quite well known as an ancient Indian physical science that can help us in so many areas of our life, if practiced diligently.  

Here I want to talk about one particular aspect which I have experienced with great positive effect. We call it Yogic Sleep. 

We must also have heard about the power nap. 

Men’s Journal calls the power nap, an investment with the greatest return in the least amount of time. A kind of super efficient sleep that fits in nicely in a high pressure schedule, say between business meetings or in the minutes before a game.  

But just how do we fall sleep at will? Can we just “turn off a switch and go to sleep” or do we need another hour or so to “toss and turn” first. 

To all the “power nap challenged people”, I say, have no fear, a  solution is near.  

Ms. Bijoylaxmi Hota in her book “Yoga for Busy People” provides a great solution.  The book has a section on Yogic Sleep, in which she explains how deep relaxation and sound sleep which are essential for regeneration of body tissues can be achieved by yoganidra. This is a practice developed from an ancient tantric practice by her guru, Paramahamsa Swamy Satyananda Saraswati.  

I am listing the steps suggested by Ms. Hota. However, just reading these steps may not do justice to Ms. Hota. (I hope I am not infringing any copyright issues here.) 

Ms. Hota’s teachings are for us to :- 

a)                Lie down in the pose of Shavasana  

         i)                  Lie down on your back in a straight line

         ii)                Move legs one and a half feet apart

         iii)             Place hands on the floor,(palms facing up), away from the body,

         iv)              Close eyes,

          v)                Breathe naturally,

          vi)              Count twelve breaths backwards 

b)                Countdown 12 deep breaths while mentally saying, 

          i)      I am inhaling – twelve,

         ii)     I am exhaling – twelve,

         iii)             I am inhaling – eleven

         iv)              Etc until we reach - one 

c)                 Now breathe normally and repeat mentally “relax” after each exhalation, 

d)                Practice for 3 – 4 minutes, 

e)                Visualize each part of the body in the following sequence. Mentally repeat its name and imagine it relaxing. Do not move the said body part. “Right hand thumb, index finger, middle finger, ring finger, little finger, palm, wrist, elbow, shoulder, armpit, hip, thigh, knee, calf, ankle, heel, sole, the big toe, second, third, fourth and the fifth. 

f)                  Repeat with the left side, 

g)                Back – back of the head, top of the head, forehead, right eyebrow, left eyebrow, right eye, left eye, middle of the eyebrows, right cheek, left cheek, right nostril, left nostril, upper lip, lower lip, chin, neck, chest, stomach and abdomen.  

She has also some further suggestions that we should make a short positive resolution such as “I will attain and maintain perfect health, or I am perfectly healthy in body and mind.” And imagining ourselves to be near a pleasant and relaxing environment such as a waterfall, a calm lake or a sea beach etc. 

I have always fallen asleep somewhere between (f) and (g). 

I bought this book a few years ago in an airport in India. Yogic Sleep is the only section that I have tried and it works.

Even if you feel that you are not going to fall asleep for the next 3 or 4 hours, practicing the simple steps listed by Ms. Hota just “switches you off” and instantly sends you to slumberland. Try it and see for yourself. 

PS:   Incidentally, sleep deprivation has been identified as one of the trends facing us today. Would keeping these people  awake be the next business opportunity or would it be helping them take naps at will, every chance they get?   

The picture above was taken from a really cool story on a dream written by Ms. NN in the Digital Journal. You have to read it yourself. The powerful impact of dreams and when do dreams happen…..when we sleep, of course…..

Sweet Dreams! 

Thinking back about all the years I spent in school and university, supposedly getting myself an education to help me in life, I wonder. 

I have always wondered why educators stuff so much technical thingies into us, stuff they themselves must know that is never ever used, other than for teaching others. 

I am not knocking the education I received. I am grateful for it, but I wish it was a lot more skewed towards practical use. I am not alone. In fact, I wrote about this after I read a passionate article in Brian Kim’s Invest in Yourself and Make it Happen.  

In that post, I wrote about 5 skills that, (as also stated by Brian), should be taught in schools. Skills that would have made a very positive impact in our adult lives.  

Even after school, we should pick up some skills to make our lives more productive, useful and / or pleasant. 

I am happy to report that some people do seem to agree with me.  

See this very interesting thread of comments, to “I can’t do one quarter of the things my Father can” featured in October 07’s Popular Mechanics.  

Then there is Anarchangel, who has had, and is having a rich and extremely varied life. He seems to have skills that Rambo or McGyver  would drool over. 

RateItAll, an online community and social network built upon a diverse range of online databases, has posted a list by one of its members on useful skills to have. He invites readers to rate these skills “on their usefulness in this crazy world.”  

We shall over the next few days and weeks, post our stand and views on some of these skills that we should learn. 

What is your take on these additional useful life skills that we should try to learn, or habits that we should form.  See Melissa’s list of 10 classes to, (as she says hopefully), fix her life.

Along and Aja should graduate next year, and then join the employment grind, very aptly named the rat race. 

My wife and I, have long decided that school and university grades are no longer a season ticket for a “good job” and a steady income. These grades are simply not enough. 

The Northwest Regional Educational Laboratory (NWREL), has a mission to improve learning by building capacity in schools, families, and communities through applied research and development.  In one of their publications, they quote extensive research done on employer dissatisfaction with the “employability skills” (defined as skills other than technical skills that make the employee an asset to the employer), of the current entry level workforce.  

They further list the desired skills under three categories as follows  

More tellingly, the research quotes that the employers agree to provide technical and job specific training, but are emphatic in their conviction that the schools should take most of the responsibility for equipping young people with general employability skills.

If the schools don’t and the employers won’t, then who will?

Sigh! The parents, of course.

Some of the above listed skills, my children already have. Over the years, our family values have instilled these in them. The others, like “formal decision making skills”, etc, will have to be taught.

No one taught my wife or me, “decision making skills”. We just picked them along the way and still make some wrong decisions.  Over the next year, my wife and I would have to come up with a strategy to equip our children well.

We would appreciate your sharing your experiences on this.