Father Sez

I was still on the flight from Kuala Lumpur to Chennai when my mother passed away. The first message I received as I switched on the phone after landing at 9.30 pm, Indian time, was from my wife, informing me that my mother has passed away, at 7.40 pm. 

The journey home took a lot longer than expected. It was the Easter break; the Muslims had the Prophet’s birthday celebrations whilst the Hindus had also some festivals. In addition, the Indian Highways Authority was widening the arterial road between Chennai and my hometown. All these converged to create traffic levels I had never before seen and I finally arrived home at about 4.45 pm, after a delay of about 8 – 9 hours. 

Muslims have to bury their dead as soon as possible. My thoughts, as I was on the bus trapped in the never ending jam, were on this. I talked to my eldest brother on whether he should tell my other brothers that they should carry on with the required prayers and go ahead with the burial. He told me not to think about this and just pray that I would make it in time for the prayers. 

When I reached home, my mother’s body had been prepared for the prayers and burial. I am grateful; I had a few minutes with her before the body was taken way. 

God was kind to us on that day.  It had been raining heavily for days and all the so called roads in our small town were full of mud and almost impassable even to foot traffic. But on the 20^th March, the sun shone brightly. There was also a major Hindu festival in our town on the 20^th, where a chariot would be pulled around the town. Roads would be blocked off to traffic as huge crowds would accompany the chariot. The mosque as well as the Muslim burial grounds was on the planned path of the chariot. The chariot got stuck in the mud and it took a full hour and a half for the chariot to be freed. During which time, the prayers for my mother and the burial went without a hitch. 

The prayers were very well attended.  

I thank God; my mother passed away with three of her children and a large number of relatives and loved ones beside her. My two brothers and sister saw her drawing her last breath. 

My mother, Madam Fatima Beevi, raised us against tremendous odds. An illiterate lady, she taught us basic values about trust and honesty. She managed to see the family slowly claw ourselves out of poverty, and gain some respectability. A week or so before her death, she got to see that the Indian side of the children had their own financial base. I am sure this was a source of great comfort to her. 

On the Friday before her death, she spoke with my eldest brother. Words that my youngest brother says were clear indication that she knew of her impending demise. She focused only on asking my eldest brother to ensure that we, in Malaysia would not forget our brothers and sister in India and to remain united no matter what the circumstances. 

Tears and lamentations will not bring my mother back, nor be of any use to her.  There are only 3 things on earth that would be of any use to my late mother now.

a)    Pious children who would pray for her, 

b)    People who have benefited from her assistance, and  

c)     People who have benefited from her knowledge and teachings. 

My siblings and I will do all we can on (a), whilst I am confident that my mother has left more than her fair share of (b) and (c). 

I was born in India. My father brought me over to Malaysia when I was three. (Malaysia was seen as the land of milk and honey, and my father thought that I would be able to make a better life for myself here.) 

My eldest brother and I were with my father, whilst my younger sister, 2 younger brothers and an elder brother stayed back in India. As life progressed, and my financial fortunes improved, it was my duty to do what I could to support the branch of the family in India. We managed to do what we could and my sister’s two children have made it to University and are now doing their part to support their parents. 

I have often thought about and wanted to set up a business or something in India so that my brothers could run it and hence become self supporting. Various options were tried but nothing succeeded. 

My concern was that it was unlikely that neither my eldest brother’s children nor my children would have the same sense of duty to help support the Indian branch of the family.  

In 2005 when I was working in India, we bought three pieces of land. The lands were registered in the names of my brothers and the understanding was that they would work the land and make a living out of it. Since then various improvements have been added on to the land, such as a well, electricity connections for the water pump, crops grown etc. 

India has been experiencing a tremendous rate of growth. The Government has invested lots of money in improving infrastructure and power, water and transportation systems have been vastly improved. There has also been a growth in the middle class, creating demand and generally improving the business environment. 

Now one of the smallest pieces of land have been sold for a price about 10 times, what we paid for it in 2005! This has resulted in a windfall gain for my brothers of an amount that would be akin to ten years’ of a graduate’s salary. 

I have earlier indicated that windfalls may not change people’s lives. However in this case, I believe that, after so many years of a financial struggle, my brothers will use this windfall gainfully.  

I am so happy for my brothers. Whilst I have not really neglected the building up of my own retirement funds, the thought that I should also have something for my brothers have always been at the back of my mind. 

Now, by sheer luck, and God’s Will, this nagging concern has been removed. Now my brothers are comfortably off and I can safely say that they are now on their own financially. 

The Honest Dollar wrote a interesting article on The Parent Trap. She was referring to parents dishing out funds that could have been put to use as the parent’s retirement savings.  

Some Eastern societies have a major sinister twist to this. Payments as dowry when their children get married. In India for example, parents with girls have to save like crazy almost from the day they are born. Not for retirement, not for the child’s future but to give to the groom’s parents and the groom.  This is quite a very sad situation.

Though the Government has very strict rules / laws against the practice of dowry, this practice goes on almost unabated. Many a tear jerker Indian movie’s plot is about the how the hero manages to get his sister married off against all odds, especially financial ones.

You can read a little about this almost dastardly practice here.

A plucky bride made national headlines when she took a brave stand and said “no!” to the incessant demands of her prospective in-laws. This earth shaking event seems to have even reached Oprah’s ears.

An Indian family with 3 or 4 girls is almost financially doomed, unless they are lucky enough to find prospective in laws and grooms who are sincere in fighting this practice of dowry. Or they are part of the Richie Rich.

Some families end up exchanging….we take your son and your daughter and you take our son and daughter. While many Westerners may express shock at such practices, this is just life or fate, or whatever they may call it in India.

I remember my mother telling me that many of the ladies in the village were extremely jealous of her..because she was just delivering boys. (I have 5 brothers and a sister). My late father was a very fervent anti-dowry man. None of us received dowry other than a token amount as per our religious custom. (All my brothers and sister had arranged marriages, except for me. But that may be another story.)

On the other hand, in Ghana it is the reverse. The boys have to pay the girls. Many of my single colleagues would tell me stories about how they could not afford to marry. And the girls’ parents would also prefer to see their girls single rather than to make the logical decision to cut the request for the dowry.

 Free Money Finance also talked about the cost of finding a mate. His article seems more based on the willing person splurging on flowers, dinners and other thingies to woo the intended mate. At least this is by choice.

I am lucky. In Malaysia, the dowry is still a nominal amount. I think when my wife and I got married, I paid her RM77, about USD23 at present rates. Some of the celeberity marriages talk about much larger amounts, but it is largely taken as show.

We have 4 girls, and I thank God that we are not part of the dastardly Indian dowry system.

Much has been written about how finances are treated in families. Some have joint accounts, others have 3 accounts - mine, yours and ours and others just have yours and mine accounts.

Some of the more “careful” or “risk mitigating” types may look ahead and consider financial consrequences in the event of family breakups and try to structure something now to minimise issues later.

In our family, we have the “all or nothing” structure.

My wife was working in a bank when we met. She continued to work after we got married and had our second girl.  A near tragic incident involving the second girl, when she was 3 months old, made us review the situation. As I was earning more, we decided that my wife would stay home whilst I would continue working.

At that time, we still had separate accounts, though I paid for all the household expenses.

When I started work overseas, she became an additional signatory to all my bank accounts, hence having powers to withdraw any amount she chose. Now all our assets are in our joint names though most of the liabilities are under my name.

This structure is one that may self destruct if there are ever irreconcilable rifts between us.

I have thought about this. But I want to give an iron clad guarantee to my wife that whatever happens there will be no significant negative impact on her or the children financially.

I think for the sacrifices my wife has made in giving up her career for the betterment of our family, the support she has given me in my business ventures, the support that she has given me in my personal life, this is well worth it.

I have been inspired by some of the pf bloggers doing a review of their 2008 goals, now that about 8% of the year has passed us by now.

And the goal under review is “Imparting to my children the two most important  PF lessons that I have learnt“.

a) Goal 1

To get my elder girls to join a peer group that has pf as a core subject.

My idea was for them to start reading the pf blogs. Over time, hopefully the useful advice given(especially since they are mainly real life experiences) will have some effect on them.

The good thing is that the two elder girls are reading my blog and also the links that are being provided. The both of them have occasionaly commented on my blog.

They have also told me that Mrs. Micah’s mom is cool. The eldest once sent me a text message saying that she had read and commented on “Millionaire Mommy sumthing sumthing”

I have also forwarded them some of the oustanding career tips that can be found in Free Money Finance. 

Some of their friends are also reading my blog. This is a very promising step.  

I think this goal is being on its way of being achieved.

b) Goal 2

Teaching the younger children to “pay themselves first”.

In late November 2007, the two younger children signed allowance agreements with their mother. (I signed as a witness). They would both receive weekly allowances, they had to save at least 10%, and maintain accounts of their allowance.

This has gone on well for the past 2 months. Somethings to note:

 -  the boy just had two entries in his accounts ledger everyweek, the receipt of the allowance and the out to his piggy back. Basically he spent zero. It seems that he had stashed away the cash gifts received during our festive holidays and was spending them.  His mother and he have agreed to bank in this stash and we should now be better able to track his spending.

- Nana, (our fourth girl), is a little more lavish. She maintains the 10% (in fact, it is a lot more that 10% savings), but she also spends on stationery etc. I have talked to her about her seemingly lavish ways. I have to see how this develops. Nana also had her stash and this has also been banked in.

The weekly ritual of them presenting their accounts books for inspection and getting their allowance has had an effect on our youngest girl. She gets her allowance daily. I think she is also a little more careful with her spending, because my wife says that I am not giving her enough.

Anyway, she has also asked for a bank account and this has also been done.

In conclusion, I think this goal is progressing well. 

I like the way, D4L has weaved a story around the pf lessons to his children. I must do the same. Perhaps something from the “Richest Man in Babylon”.

Our “little girls” are adults now.

Along, our eldest will be 22 in April while Azah, our second will be 21 in May. They are now both busy planning their careers. My wife and I shall do our best to help by guiding them not to make the mistakes that we had made. There is however, one issue that the children would have to decide on by themselves. Choosing their spouses. Early Retirement Extreme wrote a post on “How to be happy in the long run”, which included a section on choosing a spouse. My understanding is that he has suggested “stress testing” the potential spouse to ensure that we end up marrying “a survivor” as he puts it. I am not so sure if I can suggest this advice to my children.

(more…)

On December 17^th, 2007 I helped bury a dear friend. 

He was a gifted fellow. He had handyman skills that MacGyver himself would rate an “A”. He had great skills at raising flowering plants of any sort. He reared colorful fishes. He built a “koi” pond in his house and raised the koi fishes until some of them wee almost as old as my youngest child. 

He was careful with money. Not cheap, but careful and frugal. 

As an employee of our National Oil Corporation, he had been sent for all kinds of training courses. Corporate equivalents of the ones people like 007 go through. 

He had the uncanny ability to break down complex problems into little sub problems which were then solved systematically. 

He had traveled literally the roads less trodden, the Silk Route, the jungles of Myanmar and the villages of Surabaya amongst others. Very well read and well traveled, he would regale us with stories such as those of the uncanny skills of the Indian hermits, like how he had seen them sleeping on a branch of a tree without falling off. 

He was the one I called my “wisest friend”.  

He died at 10 am on the 17^th December 07 at our General Hospital. His wife and all his three girls were with him when he breathed his last. 

As the funeral arrangements were being made, (as a Muslim, he had to be buried as soon as possible), my mind wandered on what were the really important financial things that I had to do as the head of my family. 

i)                  Write my will 

Islamic law has different views on distribution of assets, if the deceased did not leave a will. Brothers, sisters, parents and even grandparents get included and it may become quite a complicated matter. It seemed that no one knew if my friend had left a will. So in addition to the grief, there was also concern about the family finance over the coming days. 

ii)                Make sure there is a house to shelter my family 

My friend had already paid off whatever mortgages he had on the house. However, the charge on the property by the financiers had not yet been removed and the title was still under his name. This would bring the issue of the “family house”, being included under the heading of “pool assets” to be distributed under Islamic Law. Hence putting some worries in the minds of the bereaved family.  

iii)              Sufficient and easily accessible cash in hand 

I have no doubts about my late friend’s emergency fund. However, the funeral and immediate expenses needed cash. Whilst the amounts may not be big, cash was still needed.  Financing the family expenses over the period until the issue of the will, the distribution and insurance claims etc. are sorted out is another major matter of concern.  

Zen Habits featured an article titled “Big Rocks first, double your productivity this week.”   

To quote Leo,  

The Big Rocks are the major things you want to get done this week. A report, launching a new website, going to the gym, spending time with your spouse and kids, achieving your dreams. These Big Rocks get pushed back from week to week because we never have time to do them — our days fill up too quickly, and before we know it, weeks have passed and the Big Rocks are still sitting on the side, untouched. 

He was referring to our planned output for the week, and how the big rocks represented the important things that had to be done. 

Extending the same principle to my financial life, I should get the big rocks out of the way first. And these big rocks are, in my view:- 

The Will 

My wife and I have done our will. We have appointed administrators should anything untoward happen to both of us. This matter has been discussed at a family meeting. All our children are aware of the administrators that my wife and I have selected.   

So this big rock has been taken care of. 

House 

The house we live in is under a mortgage. It has a MRT assurance attached, so that in the event of any untimely event, the loan would be paid off, by the insurance.  The house itself is under the ownership of our family company, whose shareholders presently are my wife, the elder two girls and me.  

Another big rock out of the way. 

Sufficient and easily accessible cash in hand 

The funeral expenses are quite small. So I am sure, this will be sorted out without any problems. For the subsequent period say, till the insurance claims etc., are sorted out, the family living expenses should be catered for.

In our family I am the sole breadwinner. So this is a major big rock. Whilst most of our assets are in our joint names, some of the unit trusts have been shifted into my wife’s name. This should be sufficient to take care of family expenses in the interim. 

I only wish it had not taken the death of a dear friend to get me to check up on these.   

Sometime ago, I wrote about the 5 stages of a child’s life and how it relates to their financial and life education. 

I listed the stages as : 

a)    My Mommy knows everything stage,

b)    My Mommy knows most things stage,

c)     My Mommy does not have a clue stage,

d)    Maybe I should ask my Mommy stage and

e)    I wish my Mommy was here, she’ll know what to do stage. 

My elder two girls are now in the 4^th stage. Thankfully the 3^rd stage of their life went by without any major disruptions in our family. 

The younger three were in the 1^st stage, until recently, very recently.  

And this is how I found out. 

Since 2005, it has been a yearly practice for me to sit with our three younger kids and together draw up their goals for the next year.  These goals are some things the children and I agree as important. We review them about 3 times a year and the children will promise to try harder to meet the goals and life goes on. 

This year, the youngest two girls, Nana and Ain drew up their goals, after our usual discussion.   

Not so Abang, our only boy who turns 14 this January 5^th.  When he and I first started talking about the goals for 2008, (sometime around November 07), he asked for additional time. He then kept on postponing.  

Today, he came out and told me that he has his own goals.  

It looks like my little boy, our Tuan Muda (“Young Master”) has now moved on to the 2^nd stage of his life! I am part sad and part happy. My son has just come of age!  

Am I worried about my son’s seeming lack of interest in goals? Not at all.  

Last year, as part of his English improvement exercise, he read Anthony Robbins’ “Notes to a Friend”. Every Saturday and Sunday, he would write about 4 – 5 pages down and them read them to me. He has finished the book now. Now he is going through Sean Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens”. 

I am sure some of the points in the books are seeping into him steadily.

And besides, he has told me that he does have his goals. 

My son likes, as so many other boys his age, to play video games. This activity is taking up an inordinate amount of his time, and has been the subject of a number of scenes of displeasure with his mother. Other than this little thing, our Tuan Muda is a great young man and I have every faith in him.  

In fact, whilst working in India, a business acquaintance who was also an amateur fortune teller, told me that one day, my wife and I would be looked up to and become famous as being “Our Tuan Muda’s parents”. (When I told this story to my wife and my much younger son then, he beamed with pride).

Well, at least my son has agreed to write down his goals and also agreed to show them to me, but much later. So for now, he has managed to get me off his back. 

Thankfully, I am aware of this subtle but so important change in Abang’s life. Now that Abang is entering the second stage, I have to treat him a little more as an equal. The treatment when he was in the “My Mommy knows everything stage”, may no longer be suitable. 

And for now, I have to get used to my son now being a young man!    

This will be a question that my wife and I will be asking ourselves quite soon. 

Our two elder girls should be graduating next May, and will be looking to join the rat race. 

We have friends who run businesses or are senior level executives in some of the bigger companies in town.  

Should we let our children go through the process of writing a proper resume, apply for jobs, practice selling themselves at the interview and find their first job by themselves?  

Or as parents, should we lend a “helping hand”? 

My wife and I have decided that our helping hand will be limited to helping the children pick up (in necessary, through additional formal education) non academic skills that may assist them in their careers. 

After that, Along and Aja have to do their best to sort themselves out. 

My wife and I, believe that in asking a “friend” to employ our children, we may in some way, compromise our relationships. Our friends, just like any other employer, would have to screen all applicants and chose whom they think are best suited. 

My wife and I just have to focus on guiding and preparing our children as best as we can, so that they fall within the “best suited” or at least “better suited” category

We (blush) have a written Family Mission Statement. This was done in June 1991 after reading Dr. Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits…..” 

Our Family Mission Statement is not as “deep” and “save the world- ish” as Johnson & Johnson’s credo, or catchy and with “umph” as Rich Dad’s  “To elevate the financial well-being of humanity”. 

Our “good enough for us” FMS talks about our values and our ultimate objectives in all areas of our lives.  

And this is what our FMS says about money. 

“Seeking FINANCIAL security and independence, and make our money work hard for us instead of us working for money. The sources of our wealth must be capable of being revealed with pride and dignity.” 

As you can see, this money part has 3 main pillars. 

a)    Pillar 1  

We want financial security and independence for every member of the family. For my wife and myself as the parents and as current adults in the family. And for our children when they grow up to be adults in their own right. 

We do not want to be enslaved to some master and be made to work according to his or her wants, whims or fancies.  

This Pillar primarily is intended to make us seek knowledge on means to secure financial independence. 

This Pillar is also aimed at making us frugal, to save, to invest wisely and to seek increases and diversification in income streams.  

b)    Pillar 2  

This Pillar is, in a way, a reinforcement of Pillar 1. The wording was copied, (though I prefer to say, inspired) by Robert Kiyosaki’s frequent repetition of this phrase in his books. 

This Pillar is also, I feel, a good representation of what one of my role models, Arkad, the Richest Man in Babylon himself said so many centuries ago, i.e.,   

“Make thy gold multiply or To put each coin to laboring that it may reproduce its kind even as flocks in the field and help bring to thee income, a stream of wealth that shall constantly flow into your purse.” 

This Pillar encourages me and my family to learn to invest wisely so that our money will “labor and work hard” to create additional income streams for us.  

c)   Pillar 3 

This part emphasizes integrity in our financial dealings. We must be able to explain with “pride and dignity”, how we got our assets and wealth. 

I admire the way, some of the pf bloggers candidly explain their investments and the returns they obtained. They go so far as to list their net worth and the progressive growth etc., for all to see.

This is exactly what we mean in Pillar 3.  Though I am still shy about revealing specifics of our family’s finances here in my blog, my wife is fully aware of exactly how we got to where we are. The elder girls, too, I believe.  

I think, Dr. Stephen Covey expressed it best.  Being principled means “Never having to worry about being caught.”  

My country can do a lot more to improve our reputation for integrity and transparency. In an environment like this, financial temptations abound. We hope Pillar 3 will keep us away from these temptations.  

Wikipedia, defines MS as a “brief statement of the purpose or values of an organization”.   

Well, this is our statement on the financial purposes and values of our family.  

We try, plan and hope to live with this credo.