Father Sez

This post is inspired by an article I read many years ago. I think it was in Readers Digest, but I am not sure. I am trying to remember as much of it as I can. 

This is not a psychological thesis, so please do not treat it as such. Children go through 5 phases as they grow up to become adults. Let’s begin. 

“My mommy knows everything” stage  

I am sure all parents will remember this stage with some nostalgia. The children who fall into this stage are those from the time they are born to about 6/7 years of age. 

What ever Mommy says is followed and accepted without question. Brush your teeth, go to sleep at 8.30 pm, do not play in the rain, etc. There may be some resistance, but it is negligible and usually, Mommy gets what she wants. In the event of any trouble, the kids can always be easily bribed.  

Mommy could also be depended upon to resolve any issue. How to heal a sick cat and or even to take on the 6’ 7”, 300 pounds ex-boxer father of Harry, who had said or done something nasty etc. 

All arguments between kids would have the mandatory, “My Mommy said so!”.  

“My Mommy knows most things” stage 

The kids are a little older now. Maybe between 8 to about 12/13 years. Other influences have now come into their lives. The older, “cooler” kids in school, their internet chat companions, etc. Mommy’s influence is still formidable, but now there are avenues to seek “second opinions”.

This is the time when the kids shy away a bit from being kissed by their mommies in school. 

Being called Mommy’s boy or girl in school would be an unmitigated disaster. 

“My Mommy does not have a clue” stage 

This is the stage most dreaded and feared by parents….the teens to late teens stage. The children are now aged maybe between 12/13 to about 20 years or so.  

They have their own minds, their own sources of information like the internet and their peer groups in school are now entrenched. Not quite adults and not quite children, they are sandwiched. There is a feeling of wanting to rebel and try out adult things, but are somewhat restrained by ties such as monetary support, place to stay, etc. 

Boys go through the girls stage and girls go through the boys stage.  

Money is expected from parents and not much thought is given to the hardships the parents may have to go through to earn it. Conversations with Mommy would be monosyllabic whilst phone bills on their conversations with friends would be astronomical.  

This stage is very crucial and may define some make or break situations like running away from home, eloping with their “loved ones”, etc.

Generally a stressful period for Mommy as well as the children.  

“Maybe I should ask my Mommy” stage

Here some stability is setting in. Also some acceptance of the real facts of life. Facts like we need money to survive, and that we have to work to get money and getting money by some “easier” means may result in punishment from Authorities etc. 

This would be the stage straddling college, graduation, first jobs and maybe serious relationships with the opposite sex and marriage. The children would now be in the early to perhaps mid /late 20’s. 

There may still be some anger over some perceived “ill or grossly unfair treatment” during the earlier stage of their lives, i.e. the “Mommy had no clue stage”.

Slowly they see two sides of the situation and some understanding of their Mommy’s way of thinking dawns. 

“I wish my Mommy was here, she’ll know what to do” stage 

Most probably our children now have children of their own. The antics of their kids make them nostalgic of their own past and there is a lot more appreciation for Mommy.

The child has now completed the circle and become an adult.  

How does this help us in giving our kids financial education?  

It appears to me that the best time to start teaching our children on pf or life would be during the 1^st two stages, i.e. “Mommy knows best and Mommy knows most things” stages.  

During these stages, the kid’s minds will be most receptive. The lessons learnt, even if discarded during the next “Mommy not having a clue” stage, will remain in their minds. Ready to be awakened during the “maybe I should ask my Mommy” stage. 

Unfortunately these 1^st two stages coincide with the time when the parents are inexperienced, may have to work extra hours to cope with the extra expenses of the kids and “quality” time with the kids are not as much as it should be.  

This is perhaps, where we, as parents lose out. 

We then try to catch up during the “Mommy does not have a clue” phase, and the stage is set for countless arguments, slamming of doors and sulks. 

And all Mommy can do is to wonder, what have I done. 

Naturally, they’ll be exceptions to the rules above. From hyperactive children to those who read “War and Peace” when they are only 4 years old.

This post is just meant to show a different slant to the issue of parenting and the teaching of good family and life values to our children.  

And I do think it makes sense.

For the first time in our married lives, we have done our family budget. And after only 23 years of marriage and 5 children. Whilst this may not be exactly Speedy Gonzales’ style, at least it will give us a chance to find out if the old adage “Better late than never” is indeed true. 

I must admit, I was pushed into this by some great posts that I read in the blogs on preparing for self employment.

Posts from blogs such as:- Get Rich Slowly,  Redomestication and  The Digerati Life. 

Then we sort of stress tested our budget. I thought we had it pretty much pared to the bone, when along came Clever Dude’s three parter on “What could you give up if you were in financial trouble”. 

The Dude classified the expenses as luxuries, semi luxuries and essentials. We can guess which would go, if push came to shove. The surgical, practical and unemotional cuts suggested by Clever Dude made me wonder if I could cut more. 

I also like Moolanomy’s useful idea to apply the Pareto Principle to rank our expenses and direct our focus on the bigger hitters. 

So it is back to the drawing board.  

Another 2008 financial goal is going to be cutting down our monthly budget. How, by how much and by when will have to be agreed upon after discussions with my better half. 

After all, we now have some great “how to” guides.  

Ribuan terima kasih, guys. (This is how we offer a thousand thanks in my country).

The concept of “Paying it Forward” is really powerful. 

You do something good to someone and in return you ask her or him to do something good to another, with the same conditions. So the good keeps spreading and spreading. 

Zen Habits has written an outstanding and moving article on this, titled “Faith in Humanity……” 

This article attracted an astounding 167 comments, as I write this. It is really gratifying and comforting to know that doing and spreading good is a favored interest in the blogosphere.  

Here, I want to talk about a twist to this “Paying It Forward” concept. 

A dear friend, Angie, emailed me some great quotations about children. One of them was particularly thought provoking, especially since Angie’s mail came soon after I had read Zen Habit’s post. 

Quote 

You don’t pay back your parents. You can’t. The debt you owe them gets collected by your children, who hand it down in turn. It’s a sort of entailment. Or if you don’t have children of the body, it’s left as a debt to your common humanity. Or to your God, if you possess or are possessed by one.      

Unquote

Lois McMaster Bujold,

A Civil Campaign, 1999
US science fiction author

This quote has made me think quite a bit.  

When we do something for our children, we are actually “paying it forward”, and it’s the up to our children to then “pay it forward” to their children, or to humanity or God, as LM Bujold says. 

It follows then, that if we do good to them, i.e. instill good moral values, give them a sound education, teach them useful living skills (including managing themselves financially), we are paving the way for our children to do the same for our grandchildren. 

It should also follow that if the children (especially the older ones)   make the lives of their parents easier, they can expect the same from their children in turn. 

So whatever shenanigans our children come up with, my wife and I shall just have to keep on “paying it forward”. And we hope that our children will grow up as well rounded, principled, respected and respectful people.  

And one of my advance New Year wishes is for the two young ladies featured in Mrs. Micah’s, “If this were your daughter…….”  be made aware of this concept of “paying it forward”, and see their father in a completely different light.

My wife and I have 5 children. The girls are, Along, 21, Azah, 20, Nana, 12 and Ain, 9 and our only boy, Abang, 13. 

We are just as concerned as any other parent that our children should grow up stable, well rounded, respected and respectful members of the community we stay in. And personal finance is one area we want to make sure our children, if not excel, should at least do well.

Imparting these lessons has been one of my wife’s and my goals for some time now, or rather a wish. A strong wish, no doubt, but still just a wish. 

I call it a wish, as it had no specifics, had no measurable metrics and no time limits.  

Not any more. Thanks to the knowledge learnt from the pf blogs I follow and some serious thought, this wish has now crystallized into SMART goals for my wife and me.  

This is my story. 

The two most important PF lessons that I have learned, are:- 

a)    Paying myself first or living below my means and 

b)    Having a peer group with PF as an “agenda item”. 

I believe that if a person masters or is comfortable with (a) and has a good peer group that avidly discusses personal finance, then he or she is well on his/ her way to financial independence. In fact having (b) should also lead to (a). 

My wife and I have set ourselves the following goals as part of our goals for 2008. 

i)      To ensure that the 2 senior girls, form or join a peer group with PF as a core subject, and  

ii) To ensure that the 2 younger children learn to pay themselves first. 

And our plan to achieve these goals:- 

i)      Goal (i)  

-         We have tried asking them to form a peer group themselves, it has not worked. They are in college now, and though they have made some solid friendships, none of their friends seem interested in this idea now.  

-         I have enjoyed great positive effects from reading pf blogs. Since my daughters belong to the generation that is very comfortable with the Net, I have given them a list 5 pf blogs that I think they may find interesting. It is possible that my girls may well decide that some other pf blog is more their type. This will be fine with us. 

-         We have offered them monetary rewards for every comment they make on these blogs. These comments must be accepted and published by the blogger.   

-         My children have to email me the URLs so that I can keep abreast of their comments. 

-         To comment, the girls have to read the posts. I am sure that some interest will be generated, from posts which should be close to their hearts now, for example those on career guidance, tips on facing the interview, etc.  

-         Over time, we expect (and hope) our children to start having an interest in the lessons these bloggers post, and for this interest to grow. These blogs will then become their peer group.    

ii)     Goal (ii) 

-         Give the younger children (except the youngest), a weekly allowance.  

-         Sign an agreement with them on this allowance. They have to keep accurate and neat accounts and save at least 10% of the amount, (they can save easily by taking packed lunches to school).  

-         Thanks to another pf blog, I have a great model to follow for this agreement. Used by none other than John D. Rockefeller himself, and edited to suit our purpose. I forget the name of the blog that pointed this out. I am sorry. 

-         Fixed targets have been set for their savings for the year. At the end of 2008, we shall go to the bank and deposit their savings in a bank account. I have agreed to contribute 300% of their savings as a top up gift. (So as you can probably guess, the targets are modest….baby steps, baby steps first) 

Do our goals meet the benchmarks for well set goals? Let’s run through the checklist.

Do we have a strong desire for the goals? But, of course! Our children’s education is very high in our list of priorities. 

Are the goals specific? Yes, they are. 

Are they measurable? Yes, the elder girls have to post comments, which can be counted. We have not set any numbers on the comments they should post. We believe we should leave it to the girls to decide for themselves.  

The younger children have a target amount to save and a date by which to achieve it. 

Are the goals achievable? Yes, they are. All our children now accept that goals are something that they want to do, as opposed to being forced to do. (Or are they just saying it???) 

Are the goals realistic? I think they are. 

Do the goals have time limits? Yes, the target dates are 31 December 2008, and we shall have periodic reviews.  

Will we achieve the goals?  We feel well prepared and are looking forward to marking off these goals as done. 

Nevertheless, my wife and I have to delicately balance our wishes and plans against the comfort levels of our children. It is likely that many,  if not, most of our children’s friends’ parents would not be doing anything similar, so there might be some negative peer pressure from their friends at school or college.  

Time will tell. My wife and I just have to find their “switch”.  

We’ll appreciate any ideas, comments or advise from like minded parents out there, who have walked this path before.     

My wife and I have been happily married for 24 years now.  

Ever since an almost tragic accident happened to our second girl, when she was 3 months old, my wife and I decided that she would be a full time mother and home manager, whilst I brought home the bacon, so to speak.  

It was accepted that I’ll be the general and she the major. So she made all the major decisions, while I made the general decisions. 

Though we never make any significant purchases without consulting each other, (now we consult our two elder girls, too), my wife and I have never sat down and drawn up a family budget together. 

I took the plunge this year.

I fortified myself with a wealth of advise and ideas from :- 

a)    LazyMan’s “How to have a successful budget meeting with your spouse”, 

b)    Yahoo Finance’s Five-point peace plan to help couples avoid a war over finances, and

c)     Millionaire Mommy Next Door’s “How to make money management a family affair”. 

I am the accountant in the family, so I drew up the monthly list of expenses, expected for 2008, and discussed it with my wife. (I think this is also the first time, my wife has a clear and complete understanding of the expenses of our family).  

We have now agreed that we shall have a budget day every month to review actuals against budget. 

I am glad and actually feel a sense of relief that we have done this.  I am looking forward to the day when the family is comfortable with the monthly budget day, and we can then move to Stage 2 - Implementing the Millionaire Mommy’s great ideas to make our family money management a family affair. 

I am sure that many couples do not have family budgets. Perhaps because of earlier experiences or disagreements on spending etc. After all women and men do not think alike, do they? 

I ask you to persevere. I am sure only good can come out of this joint facing of the major issue of family expenses.   

We all have our down days.

Days when we feel that we have missed this or that boat. Days when we feel that we are much worse off than our neighbors. 

I used to have frequent bouts of this. Luckily I have a great motivating wife. She has an inbuilt instinct to detect my down moods and then she applies her secret in rebuilding my self confidence.  

Her formula is simple. She guides me to count my blessings and be grateful. To forget what I don’t have. Just focus on what I  already have. There are millions of other people who do not have what I do! 

Try it! I assure you that this is a failsafe solution. Think of the good health that you have, or your loving family, or trustworthy dependable friends, or the fact that bombs are not going off in the streets.

Think of the warm shelter that you have, the fact that you can bring food to the table……..the list goes on. 

Some of us compare ourselves with those who have much more than us and as a result, feel down.

To counter this, remember this saying :- “For wealth, always compare yourself with those below you and feel grateful. For knowledge, always compare yourself with those more knowledgeable than you and seek additional wisdom.” 

Practice this and I assure you that on more days than not, you will be walking with a spring in your step, a smile on your face and be ever ready to face and overcome whatever life throws at you. 

Meetings are an important vehicle for human communication.  

In a meeting, two or more people come together for the purpose of discussing a (usually) predetermined topic such as business or community event in a formal setting.

                                                                      Source : Wikipedia 

Most of us will agree immediately that communications is an important factor for families.  In fact, many families do have family meetings.  I am talking here about formal meetings, where the decorum and protocol of meetings (most of it, anyway) are observed.

Matters such as : 

-       Notices of Meetings. Family members are told in advance of the meeting, agenda and the venue and time. 

-       Appointment of Chairman and Secretary of the Meeting 

-       Minutes of Meetings are takenThe “Secretary” takes minutes of the meeting. 

-       Minutes of the previous meeting are read and approved as part of the meeting agenda. 

Our family has been observing this since 1992. Then our family consisted of our two elder children who were then 6 years and 5 years old respectively, my wife and myself. (I appointed myself as Chairman and was also the Secretary.) 

We have the minutes of the meetings, since our first family meeting held on the 26^th April 1992. (Unfortunately, I did not note the time and venue of the meeting.) 

Since then we have had meetings that :- 

-         discussed the household chores the family members were expected to do,  

-         discussed locations for holidays, 

-         had an attendee who was 3 months old, (on the 10^th April 1994, when our son was 3 months old) 

-         resolved children disputes, 

-         had my children’s cousins as “invited guests”, 

-         had a member who slept throughout the meeting. (On the 30^th July 2000, when our youngest girl, Ain was a year old ).  

I take pleasure in going through the old minutes. The similarities of the shenanigans done by the two older girls and their younger sisters 10 years later are so glaring. 

Now Aja takes the minutes, though I am still appointed Chairman.  We find that this event of the “Family meeting” is fun. It also teaches the children about the formalities to be followed in conducting meetings.  

Every once in a while, the meeting turns into a “complain” or a “blame assigning” session, but by and large, it is a great way to promote family communications. 

How you tried this? Tell us about your experiences.